The Saline Reporter
A Heritage Newspaper
Weekly Publication
Lifelong love affair with television to come to end
PUBLISHED: May 8, 2008
It began as a row over the "Pink Panther" and "Scooby-Do."
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It ended with the television hauled to the curb.
This was my father's rash solution to the dispute that arose between my brother and me over which cartoon to watch one Saturday morning -- way back when changing the station meant getting up and turning a knob six clicks.
As a young child, my brother was a "Pink Panther" fan, which to this day confounds me. Who in their right mind prefers the absurd silent antics of a pink cat to the derring-do of a lovable Great Dane?
It's not even a contest.
The choice that Saturday morning so many years ago was clear -- besides, I was bigger than my brother and willing to exert some physical influence, if necessary, which, as it turned out, it was.
As is possible with any conflict, escalation occurred. A simple blockade of the television on my part turned into a tussle, which became a scuffle, which became a brawl.
The sounds of heated battle woke our father, which was never a good idea.
He stomped downstairs and abruptly ended the fight by yanking the television cord from the electrical socket, wrapping his arms around the television, and hefting it out to the street.
We watched in mute amazement. Was this some sick joke? Was he trying to make a point with this overly dramatic gesture? Surely, he would fetch the television back inside if we appeared contrite enough. We were mistaken.
He was done with spats over what to watch. He returned to bed, and we didn't have another television in the house for a year or more.
Oh, how I missed television that year. No Tiger ballgames. No "Happy Days" or "Mork and Mindy." No 4-o'clock movie or "Six Million Dollar Man" or "Donny and Marie." No precious family time spent sprawled on the carpet watching "The Waltons" or "Little House on the Prairie."
It was downright cruel and insufferable for my brothers and me.
I remember it as an odd time. A time of deprivation. A time of disconnectedness. I remember going over to a friend's house of an afternoon and sitting rapturously in front of their television to watch "Speed Racer" and "Johnny Sokko and His Flying Robot." I imagine I touched that television reverently, relishing the spark of static electricity we exchanged. I'm sure it was with great longing that I breathed in the faint, comforting aroma of a heated cathode ray tube.
It was nothing less than a love affair interrupted.
So I see the irony, then, and maybe some hypocrisy, when 30 years later I demand my children turn the TV off and go outside.
"Do something," I tell them.
They reply, of course, that they haven't anything to do.
I know what they mean. It was the same argument I used when my father ordered the television silenced. Television has that power. It can somehow seduce you into honestly believing you haven't anything else to do.
The shows have changed since I was a child, but the staggering allure remains.
The other day, my son and daughter were arguing over which show to watch, and I had to restrain myself from reenacting my father's response and pitch the cursed box.
I'm not one to overreact. Much.
I have proposed getting rid of our television in very brief family meetings. The idea has not been received well.
It was as if I had suggested we begin wearing underwear on our heads at the dinner table.
On Feb. 17 of next year all full-power broadcast TV stations in the United States will stop broadcasting on analog airwaves and begin broadcasting only in digital. They say it will allow stations to offer improved picture and sound quality and additional channels.
They say the switchover will "transform" people's "television viewing experience."
What a load of bunk.
Whether it's analog or digital; hundreds of channels or six; high-def or flecked with snow; the "television viewing experience" always has been the same: mind-numbing, addictive and engrossing.
At first, I thought this switchover would require us to get a new television, which I dreaded, but now it appears we may only need to get some kind of converter box.
And we will. We can't do without our television, after all. It's not entertainment; it's a need. It's right up there with food, clothing and shelter.
What would we do without it?
The Federal Communications Commission is kicking analog televisions to the curb.
I wish it would take mine with the others. I'm willing to let it go -- and let this perverted love affair end.
Staff Writer Brian Cox can be reached at 429-7380 or bcox@heritage.com.
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